I just noticed this as I am sitting in a cafe trying to reach over them to type on my laptop, while sitting indian style on a couch. My bra also seems tired of holding them up, and this worries me, because I keep thinking to myself " Jesus, are my boobs getting that big, do they need a new bra already?" This should not be happening.

Thinking about my life and what I want to do is confusing. and not fun. lately i find myself getting sad and anxious over random things. i think its a killer combination of not having what i want right in front of me or being able to know it, and having to do so much work to get there. I keep on having this fear that at the end of the day, even if I find this full-time job and even if I can buy all of these things that I want, that it won't be enough. I see myself talking like this and I can see that I am slowly relinquishing control over my life. You cannot let yourself lose control. You control your life. You need to internalize your locus of control. You need to believe your life can be better, and in order to do that you need to have faith. you need to believe in yourself.

Life is about hard work, Anita, and you need to face that. Money can't buy you happiness, but hard work can. Downsize on the material goods and upsize the mental labor. you'll find your happiness. The only thing holding me back is a lack of faith.You need to have faith and determination to get you through you day, and push you through your dark times, so you can have happiness. You need to know that at the end of the day, you can rely on yourself and start over. 1) hard work, 2) determination and 3) faith. those are it.

whats life all about?

1) faith
2) hard work
3) determination
4) knowing when to love
5) knowing when to laugh
6) knowing when to cry


i think that's just about it. i'll get through it.

Do not read yet! Draft is still a work in progress, and the current copy is saved in msword.

I'm listening to lily allen right now, and this has gotta be one of my favorite songs by her. I'll link it in the bottom of the post, and its actually a Common song called " Driving me Wild" featuring lily allen. I'm here to journal a little bit about myself today. I set aside this time to write, because I need to get some stuff off my chest and sort it out. I am in a place where I am ready to move forward, and am now willing to accept some limitations and take some risks to get there. Although my life has not been overall happy, in some ways it has become increasingly amazing, as I have started to think about small ways that I can change my life. Many of these life changes are ways in which I can proactively make my life more beautiful, by finding real ways to create my values which are love, sustainability and humanitarianism. These ideas have brought a lot of hope and lot of possibility to my life, but as time has passed, I have found that learning how to bring these ideas realistically into my life has brought me a lot of stress. I think patience plays a large role in how anxious and frustrated i feel about my life. I often find myself knowing what I should be doing to improve my life, but being too impatient to just do it.

Over the past few weeks I have thought about many things, including the peace corps, and conscious consumerism, but the topic that I want to focus my conversation around money because it has brought me the most stress over the past few days. Looking at my current income, and my current expenses, I don't see having a part-time job as something that financially fits my lifestyle. I often think to myself about the multiple goals that I want for myself financially such as saving money, earning a line of credit, purchasing, and having money for the peace corps, and I just don't think I can do it all with a part-time job. As Robert and I talked about on Friday, it's important to understand two components to every emotional state 1) the true nature of that emotion and 2) the motive or reasons behind it. Now, looking back on my emotions I can see how that they really represent feelings about where I am in life. When in paper, my words very vividly show that I am overwhelmed, and conflicted about longstanding conflicts I have about my money and how to prioritize it. These hidden conflicts are in turn causing a lot of anxiety and frustration, that recurrently appear in my everyday life.

As I think back on these anxieties and all of these conflicting financial desires, I begin to realize that I don't have the money, and I can't do it all. I know in our minds it is quite natural for human beings to believe that two-dimensional images can bring happiness to our lives but I need to learn that these material things will never bring me happiness. We all hope and sometimes beyond hope that images can bring our happiness to lives but in reality, because those images are two-dimensional in nature they will always be so, and can never supplement for true satisfaction, and learning in life. For me in particular, I can see that I have always particularly desired material beauty in my life. I have taken my desire for real happiness and manifested that into images of beauty, often of the self, but also in the forms of design and interior decorating as well. Reliance on these images, and often abusing them is often directly related to the current environment in ones life. I think that just recently I have relied too heavily on these images of material beauty to get me through my days because life has been slow, and it is hard to see when an opportunity for real happiness will manifest itself. So, instead of making myself truly happy, I sometimes have turned to material happiness to try and fill in the holes in my life. You need to want to be happy, and that means that you need to take a leap of faith. You bring change into you life, but only if you believe that that change is possible and will result in happiness. A great life requires a leap of faith. And thats what I am about to do. I am going to leap forward and move into the next stage of my life. I am going to find a full-time job, save money and join the peace corps. The material things will just have to fuck off until they are a luxury, and no longer a necessity.

I am not lost. I am a woman with a direction. Always remember that.

As many stir fried veggies as you can get your paws on with lean meat. period.


sooo, good, and no indigestion afterwards.


tee hee :)

the difference between choosing your life and letting it choose you, makes all the difference between whether or not a person is happy or sad.

i had an epiphony while plucking my eyebrows tonight!

i totally reinvented myself. it was awesome.

now its over and im watching rachel bilson videos on you tube.

but it was still cool tho!

i really don't want to do this spreadsheet im supposed to do. i told myself i would make a budgeting spreadsheet this week, which involves a budget worksheet and a spending worksheet as well. I really don't want to do it. BALLS. On the up side, i am going to convince liz to get chipotle with me for dinner. but she doesnt know it yet. until next time-

Don't worry guys, this one is long, but it's worth reading. I thought this one out and it is well-organized and consolidated( believe it or not ;)

Now that Ive got my head on straight I can start to think more clearly and decisively about where I want to work. I have just had five job interviews at CO Bigelow, Barnes and Noble, World Market, Bath and Body Works, Old Navy, and also just recently for Worthington Libraries. Now that the interview process is over, it's time for me to start thinking about in an orderly way how I might choose a job if more than one offer is made. Thinking about this over the past few days has been quite overwhelming at times for me, so I want to try and make some sense out of the supposed features I think matter about each job. Here's what I think matter: Pay, prestige, distance, work environment


But as it turns out, after many discussions with myself, this is the only real thing that matters: Work environment, or where I will be the happiest long term

Where I will be happy at long-term are Benetton, World Market, Co Bigelow, and maybe Worthington Libaries. The places where I won't be happy long term are Barnes and Noble, Call Tech and Bath and Body Works. I wouldn't be happy at Barnes and Noble, because eventually the slow nature of the work would become painstaking for me, and boring. Ironically, for the exact opposite of reasons, I don't think I would be happy at Bath and Body works Being so busy, and so pushed to sell on a regular basis would becoming trying over time, and probably very frustrating for me. And lastly, although I do like my surroundings at Call Tech so far, I can imagine that working in such a tightly-controlled customer service environment on a regular basis would eventually wear me down and try my patience. Plus, I am not very good at working with computer systems, as I tend to miss small details, so I can imagine multi-tasking on the phones and with computers at Call Tech would become frustrating over time.

I think I chose the companies I would want to work for because they strike a good balance between being not too busy and not too slow for me. In addition, they are all companies that serve quality products, and put a huge emphasis on customer service, not selling which is hugely important to me.

One thing that I also realized in this situation, which is hugely important is that a lot of the physical pros and cons I had originally outlined don't matter nearly as much as I thought they did. All of the jobs are all about equal distance, and the ones that are further aren't deal breakers anyways when compared to other job qualities. In addition, pay rate is about the same, and perks have always mattered, but now within the larger scope of the company. Prestige was a huge issue for me at first, and was something that I needed to really talk myself through, because it conflicted directly and in opposition to most of my personal preferences. Although most of the decision-making process has been edited out by now, I ultimately was able to strike a balance between prestige and personal preference.

In the beginning I felt really obligated to choose a job for prestige, or how it would look to others but had a big conflict within myself about choosing a job for those reasons alone. In response to that idea, I initially decided to discount prestige altogether, because I didn't want to make a decision for superficial reasons alone. As I moved along the decision-making process however, as it turns out my personal preferences also inherently have a certain degree of prestige within them, although prestige was not a conscious factor in the decision-making process. Instead I just chose the jobs I like best based off of preferences such as company values and services, characteristics which in turn had a positive impact on the prestige of the company as well! So, it would seem that what I like best, is also what esteems me the best to others, in my eyes. HA! Funny how life works like that ;) So, if everything works out for the best, I got the best of both worlds! A job i like where I can feel respectable and honorable as well. The only unfortunate thing is now I won't be able to get 40% off of a fur lined hoodie at Ruehl for winter this year :( Who knows, maybe I can squeeze it in before I leave :)But to summarize, I conclude

YES companies: Benetton, World Market, CO Bigleow
MAYBE companies: Worthington Libraries
NO Companies: Old Navy, Call Tech, Barnes and Noble, Bath and Body Works

ahh, now I feel good. toodles guys!

Topic for conversation:

Prestige: Choosing a Job that will Look Good, or One that will Be True to Yourself:

To elaborate more on the idea of prestige, and social acceptance after talking it over with myself, I decided I should choose a job according to my interests, and I shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of them, because of what I think others might say. All of my life, I have often felt that my parents, and my environment would disapprove of me if I chose a path in life that was superficial, such as retail or design. It's partly a Bexley thing, partly a parents thing. For me personally, when my desires are different than others its hard for me to accept them without devaluing myself, but it's important for me to put my happiness first. I have thought about the argument my parents have made about prestige, stability and respect, but those aren't things that are of real concern to me. I would much rather pursue the things they encourage from me for meaningful rather than superficial reasons. for myself.

Sometimes I think my parents got it all wrong. They want a lot of things period because they think that these things are going to make you look better to others, and open doors to a more stable work environment for you, etc etc. But at what cost? In the same sense that they think that some of things I pursue are superficial, I find a lot of their values superficial too. Like I said, i would much rather pursue those values for me, and at the same time, some of my values are just different from theirs, period. I feel if I were to value the same things my parents do, I would end up just like them, especially my dad, in a miserable job that I hated, and with a totally fucked up home life. For me, I would honestly much rather have an easy work life and a dedicated home life than the other way around. Social acceptance and rejection bother me, because its all imaginary, yet it's just really disturbing to think about how much pressure that idea can put on yourself and others. creepy.


Okay, finally done now. Don't tell me you didn't like my totally dry article on job decision making, that may or may not sound like something out of a bad social sciences journal. You know you loved it. Until next time! Resolution is mine!

I keep on thinking about my cat dying lately, and it's really freaking me out. dunno why. lol, bye for now!

I am tired, reflective, and unusually excited for me lately. But the thing is, I think that I am holding myself back from certain emotions in my life, such as excitement, or indulgence. I think honestly, that at the root of everything this is my biggest problem right now. We ask ourselves, and I can picture Abby in my head, in our room saying, " Why do we hold ourselves back from things?" "Because of Fear" I have learned to become less afraid of doing positive of productive things for myself in my life, in particular when it comes to being more disciplined and working harder. Yet at the same time, I cannot help but feel that I can't ever be truly disciplined or truly productive if I cannot let myself be free, fun and silly sometimes as well. Isn't that odd? As much as I personally would like it to be, you can't have one without the other. No more teeter-tottering. If I want something bad, have it. If I want to jump up and shout! do it! But know when to be quiet, respectful and hard-working too. Remember, I am not two dimensional. If I can be both of those things for myself, then I know that the best people in my life will always value me for the qualities I hold most dear, and not the things I do that I know can get out of hand. But that another question in itself, isn't it? night all :)

I just seduced my cat with some Fiona Apple. I put on Not About Love( funny choice, huh?) and we are now cuddling cozily on my bed. thats all folks!

Boy do I have some updating to do. I just went through my cds, and I have potentially almost 30 albums that I need to add to itunes. Jesus Christ. Start tomorrow!

but i wanted to do a quick review of what i went over today. My goal for my computer from now on is to have a computer that is really well-organized, and especially without clutter, but also to have one that has a lot of flexibility, with interesting software on it, movies, and folders divided according to my interest that I can tackle anytime I want. So today i continued on that train of thought by trying to sort through a lot of the information on my external hard drive. I originally wanted to sort through the files and organize them by type, topic, etc, but it was not convenient without Microsoft software yet to try organized it all. Instead I cleaned through some of the really general stuff that could be thrown away without thinking, and checked that 1) my backup was working properly 2) the files went to the correct folder and 3) established a regular automated backup schedule on my computer. A huge part of this process was educating myself about my hard drive and trying to gain a better understanding of what exactly all the terminology means, the various features available, and alternative options to some of these features as well. This came to mean that today was time consuming, and a little bit less organized in my brain than i would have preferred. oh well! that's how life goes. Anyways in order to do this, I read through most of my free agent user guide and along the way became interested in different internet features such as online storage and encryption. I thought that online storage came with my free agent drive, but when I found out that it didn't I started searching through the web again to look for online storage programs, comparisons etc. There are so many options it can be a little confusing, but it is also reassuring to know the amount of programs available makes the differences between them less significant so regardless of which program you choose, there is a good chance that it will have most of the necessary options. So long as the programs 1) offer enough free space 2) the ability to upload a number of file types( pics, docs, pdf, excel sheets, etc) 3) are secure- and i think that might be done with encryption and 4) offer features for sharing you should be good to go, and those four features really I think make for a really well-balanced online storage program. Extra things to consider are user accessibility and features that cater to peer-networking or special interest, which are kind of cool to have as well. whatevsies though, for me personally I really don't want my online storage space to become something of a myspace, and I would much rather prefer to take the things I develop and store on there more seriously, and only chat about them or show them to a select few. The hard thing about finding a program though is that I was pretty unaware going into my research so I just picked up random things along my way, and had to fuddle a lot with searching for the right keywords or topic, and as I found out more information about the programs, changed my mind a few times along the way. These things all eventually sorted themselves out though, but the really frustrating thing about looking for the right program is trying to make sure your program fits all the criteria you're looking for! Sometimes it is really hard to locate the details of a program such as what file types they will let you upload, ex. But anyways, after that I started to do more research on encryption and encryption software and that just turned out to be a whole pile of hullabaloo in itself. So I am going to come back to encryption and tackle it tomorrow! A generally productive day, and if nothing else, I am really fascinated by how much I have learned in what I thought were going to be small excursions in improving my computer. technology is fun but confusing. bluggh. Night all!

i have been stalling posting on here, for the past oh my gosh, 30-50minutes now. sigh. last night i was hanging out with liz, and during our discussion together she brought up some really good insights. In particular, she reminded me of a brighter perspective that I think I should use to approach my life and I thought it would be really interesting, and appropriate to try and build on those ideas tonight. We were talking about clothes, and how sometimes I intentionally choose clothes that are too big for me, or wont draw extra attention, because I don't want to feel exposed or vulnerable to the criticism or unwanted opinions of others. She said that it is important to remember that "You wear the clothes, they shouldn't wear you" and I think I need to remind myself of that in a lot of aspects of my life. For example, I also tend to choose makeup or hairstyles that will hide my attractiveness or true potential, you might say, for the exact same reasons. Another reason I think I hide certain aspects of my personality is because I associate perfection with certain images and behaviors in my head. These become problematic when I realize that sometimes certain features of the images don't compliment or bring out the best in my personality, or physical appearance. So, in order for me to be happy, I need to let these images go,and speaking of society and all of its pressures sometimes the more I think about how society fills us up with these images and ideas, and especially how they've affected me, the more I want to raise my children in the middle of freaking nowhere, and isolate them from society. as mark would say, never happen.

It's really interesting though, because the two reasons why I hide the best aspects of myself from others actually share a common thread. Both of these thoughts and rationalizations for doing these things are a result from externalizing one's locus of control. For those of you who aren't familiar with the back theory, as far as I know, the theory of locus of control orginated as as a theory of motivation. In psychology, theories of motivation try and exlpore why people make certain decisions for themselves and others. According to the locus of control theory, there are two types of loci of control, internal and external. If your l.c. is internal you tend to attribute the outcome of your decisions to personal factors, such as strength, ability and perseverance. If you have a external l.c. you tend to attribute the outcomes of your decisions to outside factors such as luck, the strength of your support system, ability of the government, etc. I am reminding myself that I don't want to get too much into theory right now, but I have found from personal experience that I have a very natural external locus of control. Coincidentally, I learned in a class once that individuals who suffer from mental problems such as anxiety and depression also tend to have externalized loci of control. I find this extremely interesting, because I think one's locus of control says a lot about their take on life. From my personal experience I have learned that having and external l.c means that I often let myself become easily influenced by outside factors, such as other people's opinions, judgements or general social convention. These become my standards, in a sense, and as a result, when I experience cognitive dissonance, or when my actions dont match my thoughts, I often find myself changing my behavior to better match convention, out of fear, to avoid social ridicule or rejection. It's kind of a scary thing really. I never imagined myself as being such a shy person, but as it turns out I have spent most of my life not necessarily shy, but sort of disgruntled and quiet, trying to fight my insecurities with myself. This will need to come to a temporary stop for now, but I shall come back to it later tonight after an outing with my friends.... No worries all. The future is bright! We shall discuss internalizing my l.c or I believe is also referred to as cognitive reconditioning in therapy, when I come back!

crazy crazy long post, just previously tonight, that i really need to go back and edit through but just won't have the time for, for at least tomorrow. good stuff in it though, and it really made me think about myself and how i operate, especially my not-so-good sides, for the first time in a while. It is good to have a in-depth conversation with yourself about your flaws once in awhile. It also sort of prompted me to pick up my Dhammapada again and reinvigorate my interest in the philosophy and literature. On a larger scale, overall though, I have done a lot of work tonight, and to be honest I am worn down emotionally. I went back and looked at the Brittany situation, and I have done the best I can do with it for now, and probably forever, its no longer useful or productive to think about it, so I just need to let it go, and give my soul a chance to rest. You know? Sometimes even sometimes after you have come a long way, and feel really good about yourself, you just need to quit tugging at your emotions for awhile. It'll feel good to rest. Good night all

Take a deep, deep breath. Over the past week, I took some time to apologize to two people, brittany and charlie from my past, and some aspects of the situation have been really frustrating. I feel good that I have done my part, but it can be really hard to walk away from the situation positively when the other person doesn't want to forgive, and in both of these circumstancs, i just dont think these two people are going to forgive. Charlie, maybe, i believe he has a good heart, but brittany has made it clear that there are brick walls in her emotional life, and now towards me, and it couldn't possibly be my job to break those down. lol, especially cuz i dont even like her that much. It feels good to write this out. Although, to be honest with you, taking a look back on my past has made me realize that I can be a lot more irresponsible sometimes than I allow myself to take credit for. I can be pretty careless, and even pretty heartless in my oblivion when I am having fun or just feeling angry towards others. I tend to be really good for awhile, then go out and have spurts and have fun, but I almost always take fun to a bad level, to be honest. For example, if I drink, I always spend too much money, or more often than not desperately try to hit on some guy, and let's face it, although I do drive well when I am drunk, primarly because I am very focused, there have been plenty of times when I was drunk enough not to have been driving. The time with Brittany? Well, taking a step back and looking at what I just wrote, it doesn't really matter and I am just going to accept that. I just always seem to take fun to a bad level, and I know it's because I am thrill-seeking. I just really like the feeling of losing control, so sometimes when life gets the best of me, or if I am riding a high, I want more, so in pursuit of the thrill, I take it to a destructive level. Well, shit, thats the crux of it, isn't it. It has been and it still is all about self-discipline. I was born very impulsive, so sometimes when I get out of control things are extra-damaging to myself and others, but I need to get this situation under control. Thrill-seeking can be in relation to both positive things or things that create, and negative things or things that destroy, but the results are always destructive. It's funny, if I have a tendency to take all things in my life, despite there direction to a destructive level, then it would seem that somehow in everything I do, I have this inherent desire to make things negative and not positive. wow. it is okay though, I need to learn how to balance both better, and especially the bad, because if I thrill seek too much in positive ways like hard work, then eventually it will create a hill effect, repeating up and down, up and down. I think the keys are in relaxation and focus. Maybe thats just what it is. I am doing a lot better at staying productive now, but sometimes I just cant bring down my nervousness, or I get tired of having to talk myself down all the time, in order to become more relaxed, focused and less emotionally disruptive towards people. In the same way though, I have to believe that because my anxiety towards negative things is still running high that my focus level towards positive things may not be what it should be, or what i think it is. To give one hundred percent, whether you are doing something positive or negative, alleviates anxiety. You have to remove the consciousness from the self and let the self do all the work. Otherwise energy becomes transferred from one situation to another. Refering to the previous analogy, rather than moving from one direction to another, I never truly devote 100 percent of my energy to a negative or positive thing, therefore leaving free nervous energy to transfer from one situation to another from positive to negative creating residual damage along the way. The residual damage in return, never being resolved just builds and builds until something really damaging happens. So the fear of devoting myself 110 percent to something is something that cannot be stalled or dragged through the muck, fear needs to be abolished each and every time it arises. Emotional Control Handout FEAR: DO THE THING YOU ARE AFRAID OF, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I believe that fear needs to be abolished quickly, because it is such a strong emotion that even a little bit can be damaging to the soul. To wrap-up, thrill seeking arises from the residual needs of fear, that keep building and building if they are not exchanged for focus and relaxation. In order to stop thrill seeking I must add continued devotion to focus and relaxation in my life. In essence, I must exchange the negative energy of fear for the positive energy of focus and relaxation at every turn of my life. Fear must be abolished before it spirals out of control. It is important to remember, so I don't sound extremist, that fear can be abolished in later stages of its development, but the more you wait, the more difficult and the more work it will require to get it under control. Abolish fear while it is young, make things easy for yourself, and in turn happier for yourself and others. The only hard thing in life is being afraid, and letting your negative emotions paralyze you from what you want in life. what you need in order to be happy. Hard work is not to be feared, it will only result in happiness, fear is to be feared for it will only result in the damage of self and others.

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our
thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the
world.
Speak or act with an impure mind
And trouble will follow you
As the wheel follows the ox that draws
the cart

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our
thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the
world.
Speak or act with a pure mind
and happiness will follow you
As your shadow, unshakable

UGH, I might be able to have taco bell on weight watchers. UGH! I'm digging taco bell.


oh my freaking god, taco bell, plus sleeping in, plus LOTR on a saturday? This is way too good to be true

life has been so shit spinning, effing crazy lately. i know ive made a lot of private posts, so nobody knows whats going on, but there is still so much stuff that i havent even posted yet, and those things reflect recent developments on what i privately posted about. in a relationship, there is just so much stuff that moves and develops so fast, how can you keep track? how can you possibly begin to break down all of the pieces, and make something meaningful and even more so now, mended of them? i just wish life were simpler right now. i wish, i wish, but ive got to get off my feet and mend it soon, right now though i am at least happier, due to some productive texting, and im just going to sit here and enjoy my elliot smith. cheers

i just made a monster post about myself, robert and ashley, and even with all of that, the conversation is not over yet. to put things in summation, i should say more concretely that I shoudl no longer continue to be physical with robert, because I do not believe that at this point I can continue to physically love him without feeling jealous of him and ashley as well. and although right now the problem is minor, i feel that it is best to take care of it not while is it small, still bothersome, but not overwhelming. What I should do rather is be the best friend I can be to both robert and ashley, and I should do this because 1) by getting to know ashley better, I will see her as a person, and avoid negatively sterotyping her or using things against her in the future, and 2) in by getting to know ashley better and at least temporarily refraining from physical intimacy with robert, believe I will also have a better relationship with robert as well. I belive that if I am not physically intimate with him I can improve our relationship with him in several ways, 1) by putting less pressure on him to be physically intimate with me-which is probably why he can't always get hard 2) it will leave his relationship with ashley more unbiased and 3) if he does decide to end his relationship with ashley he will feel unbiased and level headed about that as well.


UGH what did if feel like when i put pressure on robert? does he feel like he is doing something wrong? I need to know these things, so I can figure out whats going on! ugggh

and its not about what you might think. but im not ready to share it yet, but what I am ready to share is that there are more things than I realized that I need to deal with with myself as a person, and although I did so well for myself this summer, some of these things ive been putting off for awhile.

1) figuring out where I am with robert and ashley
2) Liz
3) going into my next phase a person
4) maintaining self-discipline
5) 4, with regards to the job search

among other things. its time to get some shit straightened out. And looking back on the work Ive already done today, I'm looking forward to it!